Oscar predictions 2015

Oscars this weekend – can’t really be arsed giving it the full treatment this year but FWIW I think Birdman is going to be the big winner.  But as usual I don’t have much confidence.

 

Best Picture: It’s going to be between Birdman and Boyhood, I think Birdman.

 

Best Director: Tougher call here.  Boyhood was filmed over 12 years, Birdman looks to be filmed in one continuous shot.  I might as well flip a coin.  There you go, it came up heads so Richard Linklater for Boyhood.  Or not.

 

Best Actor: Not sure about this one either.  If it was in the UK it would be Eddie Redmayne all the way, but I’m really not sure how well known Stephen Hawking is in the US.  I guess he appeared in The Simpsons and Family Guy and Star Trek so he must be *reasonably* well known … but if you were voting and weren’t familiar with the chap you’d give it to Michael Keaton.  So that might happen.  And then there’s the fawning factor – a lot of movies this year have been quite obviously tailored for Oscar suitability and The Theory of Everything is one of the more in-your-face plays for an award.  If I were a voter I think I’d rebel against that and vote for something else.  Like Michael Keaton.  So that might happen.  Ah balls, let’s go Eddie Redmayne anyway.

 

Best Actress: I haven’t seen Still Alice yet but everybody says Julianne Moore has it sewn up and I have no reason to argue.

 

Best Supporting Actor: The closest to a dead cert of any of this year’s runners, JK Simmons will take this for Whiplash, without a doubt.

 

Best Supporting Actress: Highly likely to be Patricia Arquette for Boyhood.

 

Cinematography: Has to be Birdman for its one continuous shot, surely.

 

Original Screenplay: Between Birdman and The Grand Budapest Hotel.  The latter is definitely better, but will it win?  Mmmm, not sure.  Birdman was a bit mad.  Go on, I’ll go Budapest.  But I’ll be checking the results through my fingers.

 

Adapted Screenplay: Meh.  Imitation Game probably.

 

Visual Effects: Interstellar I guess.  Personally I’d give it to Planet of the Apes but I don’t think they will.

 

Animation: I’m not even going to guess this one – the lack of a nomination for The Lego Movie renders it pointless.  And last year Frozen beat Despicable Me 2, which is just plain stupid.  I don’t think the voters actually watch these ones, they just pick the ones they remember their kids watching.  Which means it’ll be the dragonny one.  But that’s not a prediction.  Unless it’s right.  ;)

Weird behaviour

Sometimes you think you’ve seen everything out there on the road.  And then something else happens that makes you shake your head a bit and wonder what on earth just happened.

I was approaching parked cars and noticed somebody coming so I ducked in.  Rather than just drive past me on the other side of the road, this chap decides to mount the kerb into somebody’s driveway!?!  Most peculiar.  He then turns his head to look at me, waits until I toodle through, reverses off the driveway and continues on his merry way.

Was that weird?  I thought that was weird.

It’s just a phone call

Right. That’s it. I’m never answering the phone again.

The bi-annual let-us-upgrade-your-phone-for-nothing conversation just happened from a nice lady called Jade. It seemed to be going well and very much in my interest, then many minutes in, suddenly I’m having my network changed to Vodafone because the statistics show the coverage is better in my area. Um, you didn’t mention that. Ah so EE aren’t offering free handsets at the moment. Hmmm. OK. What? You’re going to put me through to EE so I can ask them for a PAC code and to apply the early-termination fee to my account? I’m not to worry because Vodafone will pay that termination fee for me? Well, umm, why don’t I just let the Orange contract run out so you don’t have to pay the fee? Because Vodafone are happy to pay it and it’s a multi-billion dollar company so they don’t care – it’s a drop in the ocean, you say. You are starting to smell of rat, Jade my friend.

THEN! Then she starts coaching me on what I have to say to EE, why they’re legally obliged to give me my PAC and what phrase I have to use about “finding a new business partner” that they’ve found makes EE less likely to launch into a marketing spiel to try and keep me! I’m not making that up, that’s actually what she said. Her marketing spiel was to coach me how to navigate through EE’s marketing spiel!

By now I’m in massive conflict because I’ve actually believed her about the benefits to me (cheaper tariff, new handset) but I’ve also got this little guy in the back of my head jumping up and down saying, “NO!!! THIS IS THE EXACT BULLSHIT THAT CATCHES YOU OUT EVERY TIME!!! IT SOUNDS RIGHT NOW BUT IT WON’T DO LATER!!! RUN AWAAAAAAY!!!”

So I tried to run away. I explained to Jade why I’d changed my mind and I wasn’t going to go ahead. She kept up her Derren Brown mind control shit that she’s been very well-trained in and the conflict within me just rose and rose. She talks and she talks and she talks and I literally have my head in my hands thinking, “she makes so much sense but I knoooow this is wrong, how can I get out of it… nooooooooo” so in the end I just have to interrupt because she hasn’t breathed in three minutes and say “NO! ENOUGH!” Or something. I don’t know what I said. I was polite. But I firmly and insistently ended the conversation and then hung up before she could launch again. And I breathed a deep sigh and found I was actually shaking a bit. Christ.

And then the supervisor called.

I don’t remember much of the conversation with “Ed” because I’d had the benefit of a 30-second mental regroup – like a boxer getting his brow wiped – and I’d had time to put my guard up. Oh god he’s soooo good! He seems genuinely hurt that I’ve misinterpreted their intentions and he’s proud of the service they provide and if he can just explain and anything that will let him carry on punching me with his finely-honed sales sparring and not let me stop and thin…”JUST STOP TALKING!”

I actually said that.

“I’m terminating this conversation because you’re very good at selling and you’re manipulating me into making a decision I wouldn’t otherwise have made. I’m NOT DOING THAT. OK?”

“Yes but if I could just explain who we are and what we…” “NO! I HAVE TO WORK! GOODBYE!” Click.

And now I’m properly shaking because I’ve just hung up on 2 people who were just doing their job, doing what they’ve been very effectively trained to do. People I would inevitably find lovely people were I to meet them socially. Probably good people. I feel like I’ve punched a puppy because he was licking me so hard I couldn’t breathe and was about to die if I didn’t get him off me.

I sat down to work and I couldn’t because my brain was utterly fried and conflicted and I was still shaking. All because someone was trying to make a commission.

So I thought I’d tell the story and see if that calmed me down a bit. I feel better now. Thanks for reading, my lovely bloggy therapists :)